Exploring the Art of Mattering with Jennifer Breheny Wallace

Mattering: Why Being Valued Matters

In a culture that prizes achievement, visibility, and productivity, it is surprisingly easy to feel invisible. Many of us look successful on the outside yet question our place, our value, and whether what we do truly makes a difference. The pressure to perform doesn’t stop with youth or career milestones. It follows us through parenthood, work, relationships, and the transitions that reshape our lives.

In this conversation, author Jennifer Breheny Wallace explores the idea of mattering. Not as a lofty ideal or another metric to chase, but as a deeply human need to feel valued, needed, and remembered in small, everyday ways. Drawing on years of research and lived experience, she reflects on why modern life so often erodes our sense of mattering, how attention differs from genuine care, and what helps restore a feeling of belonging when roles shift or routines fall away.

What follows is an examination of connection, presence, and the actions that remind us, and those around us, that we truly matter.

You write that mattering isn’t about achievement, but about feeling valued and needed. When did this idea first become personal for you?

When I was writing my first book, Never Enough, I was reporting on the pressure on young people today –  how they felt they needed to perform, to achieve, to prove their worth over and over again. What surprised me most was what happened after those conversations. Parents would tell me, "I feel the same way." Doctors, teachers, and other professionals said they, too, only felt as good as their achievements.

That was the moment it clicked for me: this wasn’t just a crisis of achievement for young people; it was a crisis of mattering for all of us. Once I saw that, I knew I had to write this book.

Many people appear successful on the outside but still feel invisible. Why do you think that disconnect is so common today?

Mattering is the deep human need to feel valued for who we are and to know that our contributions make a difference to others. For a long time, that feeling was reinforced by everyday structures: close-knit neighborhoods, workplaces with clearer social contracts, and religious and civic communities that provided a sense of belonging and purpose. You didn’t have to go searching for mattering; it was woven into the fabric of daily life.

Today, many of those structures have fallen away. We often don’t know our neighbors. Work has become more transactional, with loyalty and security replaced by constant evaluation and churn. Religious and community institutions that once anchored people through life’s transitions have weakened or disappeared for many. In that vacuum, achievement became the primary measure of worth, as traditional community structures that once provided validation have diminished. And without those everyday signals of mattering, even the most “successful” lives can feel surprisingly hollow.

How can someone tell the difference between being genuinely valued and simply being noticed or given attention?

What surprised me most in my research was how infrequently people discussed grand gestures. The moments that stayed with them were small and ordinary. Someone remembers their name or a detail about their life: a text that says, "I was thinking about you," a colleague who follows up after a difficult meeting, or a neighbor who notices they haven’t been around and checks in. These moments conveyed the message: "You matter here."

What made these gestures so meaningful is that they showed that someone was paying attention, that you occupied space in another person’s mind even when you weren’t in the room. In a culture that prizes busyness and efficiency, such attention has become rare. Mattering comes from being known and cared for in these small ways.

Why do life transitions, becoming a parent, children leaving home, career changes, unsettle our sense of mattering so deeply?

Life transitions unsettle our sense of mattering because they often strip away the roles and routines that told us we were needed. When you become a parent, your identity is suddenly reorganised around someone else’s needs, and your own can disappear. When children leave home, the people who once depended on you daily no longer do in the same way. Career changes—whether chosen or forced—can remove the structures and feedback that once signaled your value and impact. In each case, we are grieving the loss of the proof that we matter.

What makes these transitions especially destabilizing today is that we have few backup systems for mattering. In the past, communities, extended family, workplaces, and faith institutions helped absorb these transitions, offering new ways to feel valued and useful. Today, we often experience transitions in isolation, so we are left to renegotiate our worth on our own. That’s why these moments can feel so disorienting, and why being intentional about rebuilding mattering is so essential.

 You talk about the balance between being needed and being needed too much. What does healthy reliance actually look like?

Healthy reliance sits in that sweet spot between being useful and being used. It’s when people depend on you in ways that acknowledge your limits, your needs, and your humanity. You’re needed, yes, but your needs are recognised, too. Reliance feels stabilizing rather than draining when it’s paired with appreciation and reciprocity. When reliance becomes unhealthy, it tips into something I call “mattering too much.” You’re indispensable, but also invisible. Your value becomes tied to how much you do, not who you are. That balance allows us to be needed without being burned out.

How can people rebuild a sense of mattering when their role, identity, or routine changes?

One of the most important things I learned in this work is that while transitions can shake our sense of mattering, they don’t take away our agency. When a role or identity falls away, we often wait for someone else to tell us where we belong next. But mattering is rebuilt through action, especially by harnessing the power of invitation, whether by accepting invitations or issuing our own. 

I interviewed a woman who went through a painful divorce and found that her social world collapsed. She was no longer invited to dinners because most of her friends were couples, and she assumed that she no longer fit in. For a long time, she felt invisible. What changed wasn’t her circumstances, but her approach. She stopped waiting to be included and started inviting. She hosted casual dinners at her home, and that simple shift restored her sense of mattering.

Role models matter here as well – people who have navigated similar transitions and built meaningful lives on the other side. They can offer a kind of blueprint to finding our way through them.

 What is one habit or behaviour that undermines mattering, even in close relationships?

One of the most common habits that undermines a sense of mattering is distraction. Being physically present but emotionally elsewhere. It’s when we check our phone while someone is talking or half-listening while already moving on to the next task. These moments may seem small, but they can send the signal that you’re not important enough to have my full attention.

Mattering depends on attunement, or the feeling of being seen, heard, and responded to. Protecting mattering often begins with something very simple and very hard in modern life, putting the phone down and truly tuning in to the emotional life of the other person.

Has researching mattering changed the way you show up in your own relationships?

Absolutely. Researching mattering has changed how I show up for the people in my life. My number-one personal rule now is this: I don’t cancel plans unless I’m genuinely sick. That may sound small, but it has been transformative. We’ve normalized canceling—often at the last minute—and technology has lowered our tolerance for friction. It’s easier to stay on the couch, to avoid the cold or the inconvenience, to send a quick text instead of showing up. But those moments of friction are exactly where trust and deep, nourishing relationships are built.

What I’ve learned is that mattering grows through being reliable, which sends people the signal that they are worth your effort. While social media and texting can maintain relationships, they often fail to deepen them. Depth comes from sharing your time and doing the slightly inconvenient thing. By holding that personal policy, I’ve built relationships that feel stronger and more trusting because people know I’ll be there. I’ve found that showing up repeatedly is one of the simplest ways to make someone feel that they truly matter.

If someone feels disconnected right now, what is an attainable first step they can take to feel more anchored?

I always tell people that they’re never as far from mattering as they think. We are all just one step away. I often suggest sending a text that starts with, “If it weren’t for you…” If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have had the courage to go for that job interview. Thank you for believing in me when I couldn’t believe in myself.

What’s powerful about that message is that it works in two directions. The person receiving it feels valued, often in a way they hadn’t fully realized. But the sender feels valued, too, because you realize that there are people in your life who are invested in your happiness and success. What you’ll find is that the fastest way to feel like you matter again is to remind someone else why they do.

Mattering rarely announces itself with grand gestures. It is found in follow up messages, shared time, remembered details, and the decision to show up when it would be easier not to. As Jennifer Breheny Wallace reminds us, feeling anchored doesn’t come from being admired or applauded, but from knowing that our presence makes a difference to someone else.

Perhaps the most hopeful insight is that mattering is not fixed or reserved for certain stages of life. It can be rebuilt through intention, attention, and small acts of care. Sometimes the simplest place to begin is by reminding someone else why they matter. In doing so, we often rediscover our own sense of place in the world.

Mattering: The Secret to Building a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose by Jennifer Breheny Wallace is out now (William Collins, £22)